>mid-20’s blues

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image via weheartit.com

It’s time for me to come clean. I am in a total rut.  Not a string-of-bad-days rut.  Not a its-fucking-freezing rut.  Not a snow-days-make-my-students-wild rut.  A mid-twenties rut.  I’ve been in it for a little while.  I don’t want to wax poetic about my shitty feelings because everyone has shitty feelings and we all know what it feels like.  I also don’t want to keep posting chirpy happiness and pretend like the rut isn’t there.  That happens a lot with blogs, I feel; people constantly post shiny, edited pictures and their lives look pretty perfect and soon you start thinking “Christ alive, why are they so perfect and I can’t even get my toe nails painted and they have kids and a REAL laundry pile and I can’t even keep my cat’s weight under control!”  Maybe comparing your life to selectively edited and professionally graphically designed stranger’s life is not the best idea.  But I fall victim to it. Because I am in a mid-twenties rut.

This rut is the excuse I use to explain crabby fights with my patient husband (who combated his mid-twenties rut by buying a practical car and dating a teenager named ashlie), an unhealthy weight gain, procrastination that borders on negligence, and an obsessive fixation on changing my career.  I think I actually like my career, but that sentence alone tells me something isn’t sitting exactly right.

I am fucking done with this rut.

The creepy thing is, I am SURROUNDED by young women in their mid-twenties who know exactly what I am talking about.  Women in the blog world who have posted similar missives that left me nodding in agreement.  Co-workers with whom I sit and drink coffee and we all hold back tears together while we try to figure out WHAT IS WRONG?  Some of my oldest friends from high school and college who have great jobs, partners, prospects, and still feel like getting dressed some days is barely worth it.  Are we all clinically depressed?  Are we feeding off each other’s misery?  Are we over thinking ourselves into these tizzies?  What the hell?  I’m serious, someone explain this shit to me.

Trust me, there have been several times that I have told myself sharply, “Okay, you have a great life, it’s time to get over this shit and be a grown up.”  It never takes.  I know I’m not lazy and I know I’m not dumb.  I am actually pretty terrific.  Why am I holding myself back?

It is not cute, or sweet, or inspiring to sit here and share this on my precious little “simple girl” blog.  I would rather talk about a ton of cute blogs I discovered this weathery weekend.  I would rather explain how the latest 2-D Disney movie had Ben and I in tears on Saturday night.  I would rather bore you with tales of the stress that report card time brings in an elementary school.  But I feel like this is important work, explaining this rut that is simmering sometimes above and sometimes below my surface.

I’ll be back with regularly scheduled content, but while I’m posting about home decorating and crossing things off my list, realize that I’ll also be tackling this equally ridiculous and sinister issue that is definitely holding me back from the simple girl I want to be.  Let me know if you have any insight into this.  I’ll try anything at this point.

xo, ashlie

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6 thoughts on “>mid-20’s blues

  1. >Oh, Smashlie. As your older (and wiser haha) friend, here are a few thoughts I would like to share with you:When you think of it, you've done so much more than the average 23/24 year-old. You've been married for three years. You own a house. You've had a real job and all the stress/responsibilities that comes with that. So, of course it's normal to be in a rut that most of us won't hit for a few more years (right now my job is new and exciting, but talk to me again in three years…). That being said, don't go and do anything rash just to incite change (hence excitement) in your life. That's when people decide to have babies because, well, I guess there's nothing else to do, right? Or they quit their steady jobs. Or upgrade to cars/houses they don't need and can't afford.Find what makes you happy. Luckily, you already know the list–some people honestly can't name five things that make them happy. But you're interesting and fun and creative and beautiful and capable of seeing the beauty and wonder that exists in the world. I think it's a matter of tying those things you love into a healthy life, emotionally and physically. Take some Vitamin D and Iron. Stretch. Breathe. Connect with your muscles. Do crunches even though it feels like nothing's changing. The older I get, the more I realize that I will never be truly happy until I make peace with my body. Then take a bath and listen to music and don't make lists for an hour. Feel that your body is soft and good and strong. I've been trying to make little changes in my life, and I'm starting to see a difference. But I could still use support, so I would love to egg each other on! I'll help you and you help me!And don't feel bad if you need to vent or cry or use a sister or friend. That's what we're here for. Love you lots!Adrienne

  2. >i'm glad you posted this, because sometimes i feel similarly. it's like i'm just sitting around waiting to feel like a grown up because i'm 25 with a master's degree and a big important job and i am saving for a house and settling down with matt. on paper, i'm a grown up. but in reality i like nothing more then to dance in the kitchen in my sweatpants. so i've sort of decided that i'm not going to care if i ever feel like a grown up, as long as i'm happy. i don't want to fake it, one day i'm going to wake up and be actually old and i can deal with it then. :) once you get used to the fact that your life is pretty awesome just as it is, and you've accomplished a lot, you can stop trying to push and push and push forward and just love where you're at.

  3. >Adrienne- I knew my oldest and wisest friend would have some encouragement for me. Vitamin D and fish oil are high on my list.Steph- I think you're right about the split between feeling like a grown up and feeling like an overgrown teenager. I need to let go of the labels and find a balance.Thank you for replying, ladies. I was worried about beng so negative, but after hearing what you had to say, I already feel better. <3

  4. >Ashlie, thank you for enlightening us about this issue, which, I'm sure, is much larger than any of us presume. Are you sure it's just mid-20s (or mid-anything for that matter) and not every age?I've seen the blogs you're talking about: where everything looks perfect, and it makes me sick. The same with youtube channels where someone is talking about anything and EVERYTHING: what about living?And I guess that's my point. Life, these days, is supposed to make us unhappy and constantly wanting. There's not enough silence, and a spiritual void or emptiness. No, I don't mean the dogma of church or belief, but an inner spiritual peace with the greater world, and, more importantly, yourself. Read Baudrillard's Simulcra and Simulation (at least the first essay) for insightful context and criticism of our modern age: most of what we think is "real" is truly just a representation… and a pretty unbelievable at that.

  5. Pingback: In 2011, I wrote. | simple girl

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