>a moment for myself

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bed
Originally uploaded by ambery

I rarely make it home before Ben. It’s not that I’m toiling away hard at work, but I usually schedule errands, or a coffee run, or I’m out dinner with friends, or (more rarely) I truly am working or going to the gym. I leave the house between 7 and 8 and I come home on average between 6:30 and 10+ (if it’s a Thursday). Suffice it to say, I am not usually in the apartment by myself.

Today, there was a conference in Marlborough, and it didn’t make sense to head back to work, so I came home. Even with a trip to CVS and a delicious iced coffee, I was in my precious place by 5, hours before Mr. Swicker would be rattling his keys at the door. It felt so sweet to come in and see the place just as it looked when he left for work; the rumpled blankets, breakfast dishes in the sink, the fact that he took out the trash and left the little lamp in our entrance way on. <3

I was so touched by this domesticity that I didn’t sit right down to check my e-mail or dash to rip off my work clothes and get started on my next task. I spent some time with Penguin, playing with his toys and talking to him. I watered the little plant in bedroom and the one on my desk. I fixed a little snack and ate it slowly and I realized that when I slow down, I adore my life and I adore this little apartment.

I think it’s selective awareness. I’m typically hyper-aware of a million little things that get under my skin, bother the hell out of me, and make me nervous. Deadlines at work or three crumbs on the floor; as long as it’s negative, it’s at my forefront. I think that feeling this huffy pressure makes me feel important. The more I have on my plate and the more bustling around I do, the more valuable my life is? I actually don’t know if I feel that way anymore.

I don’t think this is a snap change. I’ve always taken pride in being over scheduled and felt a thrill of pride when people exclaim “How do you do it all in a day?!” The fact is, doing it all sacrifices the quality of my work, the quality of my life, and (frighteningly) the quality of the lives of the people I love. My life is so bursting with love right now that I don’t want to spread the panic and stress that I rope myself into. It might take time, I’m going to try to stop over thinking and live by the words:

easy does it.

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