>I have been struggling. I have no reason to struggle. I have a promising job that will start on Monday (and scares the crap out of me). I have a loving husband (who I have been driving crazy with my uncharacteristic anxiety). I have an adorable apartment (that I have been neglecting while reading blogs and eating baked goods). I have so many creative ideas (that sit stagnant in my head because I’ve been paralyzed). I just got a gym membership (and all it makes me do is want to eat more). The other day, Ben and I had a discussion that was very similar to the above paragraph. It ended like this:
“Do you think that maybe you’re bipolar?”
“Or maybe I have really drastic and marked mood swings…”
“I think that’s bipolar.”
Anyway, bipolar or not, I’ve been scared and lazy. I’ve been going to bed early, sleeping late, spending a lot of time online. I’ve been eating tons of banana bread and whole wheat cookies that I baked for Ben on the same day he brought home a huge container of Stop and Shop bakery treats. Thinking about all the things that I want to do makes me freeze in my tracks. This is not like me. Not one bit. I’ve been alluding a lot lately to feeling sad, lonesome, unfulfilled, and scared. This is the opposite of my typical state of cheerfulness and enthusiasm. I need a change.
I’ve been finding inspiration in the most interesting places. Just like a blurb from Stuff White People Like, I’ve been finding a lot of comfort in blogs. It sounds funny, but there are a lot of people I’ve found in the e-world who are so much more similar to myself than anyone I know in real life. I don’t have any young married professional friends. I spend time with kids living out their post-college party lives and my sisters. Ben’s friends are largely film kids who work outo f New York or LA, following the natural step of their career. There’s no one like me.
And that’s not the fault of my friends. I adore each and every person who I spend time with. It’s my own fault that I cannot stop the obsessive middle school trait of comparing myself to everyone I see. I want to have the freedom to love the things I love, whether they are artsy, stupid, cheesy, funny, or silly. I want to stop thinking before I speak. I want to start “singing my song.” I read that today and I love it.
I have to get out of the cyber world and get some things done before a much anticipated vacation to Vermont this weekend. I just wanted to share with the big wide world and my future self they way I was feeling on August 22nd, 2008, and make sure that I take all this anxiety and throw it away. When I have time, I will share some of my favorite people that I’ve observed in the blog world, and of course, some awesome pictures of the Champlain Valley Fair.
Grow tall, sugar cane.